She touched my body and stood on my back…

Now that I have your attention…

I was treated to a professional Thai-style massage in San Francisco yesterday by my sister and mum, sister’s two friends joined us and we all got massages (separately).

Filling out the info before we went in I had to circle the areas of my body I’d like them to focus on, as you can see below, and I then prepared for the best damn Thai massage of my life:

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Unfortunately I was then partnered with … A MAN. Just kidding. And no I did not give them that perversely circled sheet of paper. But I did waste the paper just to take that photo. When I ripped it out the masseuse almost took it from me, after which who knows of the possibilities! ..

Thing about massages for me … I’ve had maybe 3 professional massages in my life. I’ve lucked out every time in that the person touching me was one that I was physically attracted to (because I see the beauty in everyone. (HA! Just kidding….just kidding actually, I kind of do) But I don’t know… I just enjoy it more when it’s a stereotypically sexy lady doing it. Because I’m disgusting. But seriously, it makes a difference. I’ve never been massaged by a man though so perhaps I’m missing out. Aaaand thus far I’m okay with that.

Once a girl I met in life, who told me she was a professional masseuse, gave me a massage. I asked for one thinking it’d be a great excuse to get together, because I’m an idiot. She gave me a discount, I was expecting to hang out after, but then she left. She WAS interested, even after seeing me topless, but now I was a “client” and she has a rule against that. Talk about a backfire… haven’t seen her since.

Back to the spa place.. My sister got partnered up with some guy who looked like Mowgli from the Jungle Book, I got… a very sexy lady!! WOOHOO! I felt like the luckiest boy in the …room…

For strength of the massage I circled “4” on a scale of 1-5. Haven’t had a massage in a while and I wanted to get my money’s worth! er…my mom’s money’s worth..

Sexy massage lady walked me into a cubicle of sheets and instructed me to change my clothes. She left me alone, I got ready. She came back, told me to lie on my stomach and she immediately got to work.

First thing I noticed walking into the stall were two pieces of cloth hanging from the ceiling. She used those to balance her body as she began violently jamming her heels into the top of my shoulders. The pillow that was supposed to be under my chest was too far down and the face pillow I was using was a bit off center. With her full weight on my trapezius area I felt my head and torso begin to bow, awkwardly, and yeah it hurt, a lot, i even made very faint moaning sounds like a baby sheep. This is when I thought to myself: “I SHOULD HAVE CIRCLED 3…. next time… definitely 3.” And I know I could have said “Hey sexy lady, ease up, I’m a weakling,” but I wouldn’t dare admit defeat, especially in front of a girl. Because I’m a stubborn man with a false sense of pride. Or something. I don’t know. Thanks for reading.

She stopped finally and I adjusted, it was okay after that. Though about 18 times I thought “3!!! DAMN ME!!! AHHH.. maybe 2 next time..”

I was then instructed to lie on my back. At which time I noticed the door curtain was halfway open—I felt so exposed! I said nothing. She kept touching my body. It was good. I recommend it. She kept wrapping her body around me and stretching muscles I never knew I had. It made me think of inventing a new sorta thing called a “cuddle massage” or something.. where the person is cuddling you as they massage you. She was kinda doing that, then I started to get.. excited, and now I’m getting a massage while thinking about baseball and cold showers and then Austin Powers and then the fembots… not helping…

She propped me up into a sitting position. I was trying to sit cross-legged but my body has never been able to do that, so she said I could stretch my legs forward…through the half-opened curtain…awkwardly… I now felt especially exposed. Especially when another masseuse had to step over my bare feet and legs. Fortunately there were no bystanders or public viewing windows like those people who do Crossfit for the whole world to see—I can’t imagine working out to an audience of passers-by… “Hey everyone! See me at my worst…”

The massage was over and she whispered, “Thank you for coming.” and left. No hug?

Nope.

Then it was over and nothing funny happened after that.

(The photo below is merely for advertising purposes. In conjunction with the title I think it’ll help get more views.)

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(I searched for “sexy lady” and that was the first image that came up …. then something else came up .. then something came… just kidding! Just kidding……. just kidding *angel emoji*)

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