Life is good, am I right? Not always, but sometimes. Sometimes it’s like hella (hella good) No I haven’t been drinking. Is it weird that I said that unprovoked?

Moved to LA in March with one main goal which was to do a play. Haven’t done one in about 5 years, since before I started my comedy show in V-town. (Vallejo (in California (from the news))). I finally did one two months ago and it was amazing. It was last minute, I learned it in a week as the director called one night and said “I’m done with this lead. If I fire him, CAN YOU DO IT???” I said sure. He said “Okay great! By the way you’ll be naked in it, kiss a girl and two guys including your best friend Adam you’ve known for 7 years.” To which I replied, “Sorry, what?!?” Anyway.. that happened. And now it’s happened again (with 100% less nudity and 66.666% less kissing).

The show I’m in now is the gayest Christmas pageant ever. No, seriously. That’s the title. I didn’t capitalize it to TRICK you into thinking that I was politically incorrect.

It’s a fast-paced show with a cast of 18 in a small theater of about 40 seats. 30 seats, maybe.. standard theater size of LA I’m quickly learning. The learning process for the show was rigorous and seemingly impossible but we made it happen and there have been plenty of good moments on and off the stage. OH joy, sorry.. is all this positivity boring you? Hrmm… controversy…

Last night after the show we all went out vicing. We hung out at the theater, went to the bar and yelled at each other over the speakers and I pretended like I could hear what people were saying. Afterward everyone left and it was just me and Adam. We talked about life, liberty and the pursuits of our penises. I mean.. wait, no that’s right. Suddenly we thought: “KOMBUCHA.” So we leisurely walked to Ralph’s. As we walk up to the front door I see a security guard standing guard (random, right?). I looked at my phone/watch/flashlight/backscratcher and it read “1:00 a.m.” The guard wouldn’t let us in. Times like these I wish I was a pretty girl.. and other times, but especially these ones.

He said nay. We walked off and saw a huge display of bottled waters outside and I jokingly stole one. I still have it in my room. But, I mean.. it was a joke! ya know? Not stealing.. just joking…. officer… #nsaiswatching

So we got in my car and I drove to a 24-hour Ralph’s down the street. They had KOMBUCHA! We took our time getting there though, and by the time we got our drinks and started walking to the checkout counter the intercom announced “It is now 2 a.m. and liquor sales have ended.” Kombucha has .5% alcohol content. The fuckers wouldn’t check us out (i’m talking about these hot guys that walked past us). We were able to buy them (the Kombucha’s, guys weren’t for sale, nor did they exist in real life, only now in your mind initially for dramatic effect and now for disappointment). I was hoping they wouldn’t let us buy them ONLY because then we could make a Matt & Adam Get Kombucha sorta evening, in tribute to Harold & Kumar, then write a script about it and make millions BUT…. they sold us the drinks and that’s where the story ends.

Today we had a matinee for the show. Went just fine. Still discovering new jokes every performance and perfecting along the way. Live theater is oh so different than working for the camera. ’Tis good to be back.

After the show several members of the cast went out for drinks (including myself (YEAH.. i was invited..)) and had a lovely time watching the Patriots/Chargers game and drinking Kombucha Rum (You haven’t heard of it? That’s because … Yup. Not real.). THEN we went to see another play in the NoHo Arts District to support our fellow NoHo thespians. It was an incredible show and I’m happy to say I know the writer/director. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much during a live performance, though I was intoxicated (no i wasn’t! just kidding, just kidding (my mom reads these)) Aaaand i was sitting front. row. center. Which never happens… As a tall person I considerately sit as far back as possible to not block any views of people. Aaand my attention span is not reliable (if I’m telling a story to someone, I throw mySELF off track; “Oh, sorry, something I said reminded me of something I’m thinking about now that I just forgot. What was I talking about?”

Once I sat front row center at a show in college because as I entered the theater a “friend” said “HEY! DOWN HERE!!” To which I replied “Oh fuck you goddamn it you just ruined my night,” in my head, and walked over smiling, happy to see them. At one point in the show an actor made a joke and landed the punchline with eye contact right on me… i wasn’t paying attention and he saw my brain dead face just staring right back at him as everyone else laughed. Sure, everyone else laughed, but mine is the disinterested face he may still remember to this day.

Anyway, had a great time at the show. Like wowzers. EXCEPT…..the first half of the show I had to eliminate/urinate/pee so bad that I was starting to get dizzy. I was fidgeting like no other, thinking of Jim Carrey in Liar Liar when he said he had to pee to get dismissed from court, trying to think of the story structure to guestimate when intermission was coming.. It was a SMALL theater, I was front row center. I just couldn’t get up to go pee in the bathroom in which everyone would hear me (moaning, not peeing). So I waited in pain. The pain worsened with every laugh. I reached down an unbuckled my belt because for some reason I thought that would help. It did in that it took my mind off of peeing for just a moment. Also a fellow castmate gave me a little dixie cup of Grand Marnier to enjoy and the sweet sting of sipping on that also slightly distracted me. I also thought of Major Payne and is way of distracting people in pain and considered breaking my finger. The instant the lights started to fade I almost jumped out of my seat. Sat back down until it was pitch black. When the lights came up I was gone; first in the bathroom; moaning like a hysterical child who lost his Stretch Armstrong doll (I dunno.. I hate metaphors/analagies..I dunno, i should delete this sentence but I won’t. Go ahead, judge. I’ll read this later and cringe but until then I don’t care).

I peed.

Life was good again.

Now I’m home. Got a ride with a friend to avoid a DUI. Roomie is going to a fancy party that I could attend if I owned fancier clothes. I’ve realized that, despite randomly singing it in a baritone register… I’m so NOT, fancy…. I’m not fancy at all… I also now realize I need a blazer…

Such a good weekend. Best damn weekend ever. May it continue, if only.

I hate being sincere. It’s just so boring…. just me?

That’s why I can’t listen to song lyrics. Usher, how can you be SO passionate about SO many drama-related things?!? SERIOUSLY!?? Learn to get along with people.

I don’t know Usher’s music very well, for the record.

My cousin’s’ last name is Usher, so, that. AND one of them is a musician! Who I’ve throughoughly listened to. I’ll attribute that previous statement to Fiya-A as heard on reverbnation.com.

I shouldn’t post this. I should proof read it first. I’ll wait until morning to regret it.


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