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Life is good, am I right? Not always, but sometimes. Sometimes it’s like hella (hella good) No I haven’t been drinking. Is it weird that I said that unprovoked?

Moved to LA in March with one main goal which was to do a play. Haven’t done one in about 5 years, since before I started my comedy show in V-town. (Vallejo (in California (from the news))). I finally did one two months ago and it was amazing. It was last minute, I learned it in a week as the director called one night and said “I’m done with this lead. If I fire him, CAN YOU DO IT???” I said sure. He said “Okay great! By the way you’ll be naked in it, kiss a girl and two guys including your best friend Adam you’ve known for 7 years.” To which I replied, “Sorry, what?!?” Anyway.. that happened. And now it’s happened again (with 100% less nudity and 66.666% less kissing).

The show I’m in now is the gayest Christmas pageant ever. No, seriously. That’s the title. I didn’t capitalize it to TRICK you into thinking that I was politically incorrect.

It’s a fast-paced show with a cast of 18 in a small theater of about 40 seats. 30 seats, maybe.. standard theater size of LA I’m quickly learning. The learning process for the show was rigorous and seemingly impossible but we made it happen and there have been plenty of good moments on and off the stage. OH joy, sorry.. is all this positivity boring you? Hrmm… controversy…

Last night after the show we all went out vicing. We hung out at the theater, went to the bar and yelled at each other over the speakers and I pretended like I could hear what people were saying. Afterward everyone left and it was just me and Adam. We talked about life, liberty and the pursuits of our penises. I mean.. wait, no that’s right. Suddenly we thought: “KOMBUCHA.” So we leisurely walked to Ralph’s. As we walk up to the front door I see a security guard standing guard (random, right?). I looked at my phone/watch/flashlight/backscratcher and it read “1:00 a.m.” The guard wouldn’t let us in. Times like these I wish I was a pretty girl.. and other times, but especially these ones.

He said nay. We walked off and saw a huge display of bottled waters outside and I jokingly stole one. I still have it in my room. But, I mean.. it was a joke! ya know? Not stealing.. just joking…. officer… #nsaiswatching

So we got in my car and I drove to a 24-hour Ralph’s down the street. They had KOMBUCHA! We took our time getting there though, and by the time we got our drinks and started walking to the checkout counter the intercom announced “It is now 2 a.m. and liquor sales have ended.” Kombucha has .5% alcohol content. The fuckers wouldn’t check us out (i’m talking about these hot guys that walked past us). We were able to buy them (the Kombucha’s, guys weren’t for sale, nor did they exist in real life, only now in your mind initially for dramatic effect and now for disappointment). I was hoping they wouldn’t let us buy them ONLY because then we could make a Matt & Adam Get Kombucha sorta evening, in tribute to Harold & Kumar, then write a script about it and make millions BUT…. they sold us the drinks and that’s where the story ends.

Today we had a matinee for the show. Went just fine. Still discovering new jokes every performance and perfecting along the way. Live theater is oh so different than working for the camera. ’Tis good to be back.

After the show several members of the cast went out for drinks (including myself (YEAH.. i was invited..)) and had a lovely time watching the Patriots/Chargers game and drinking Kombucha Rum (You haven’t heard of it? That’s because … Yup. Not real.). THEN we went to see another play in the NoHo Arts District to support our fellow NoHo thespians. It was an incredible show and I’m happy to say I know the writer/director. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much during a live performance, though I was intoxicated (no i wasn’t! just kidding, just kidding (my mom reads these)) Aaaand i was sitting front. row. center. Which never happens… As a tall person I considerately sit as far back as possible to not block any views of people. Aaand my attention span is not reliable (if I’m telling a story to someone, I throw mySELF off track; “Oh, sorry, something I said reminded me of something I’m thinking about now that I just forgot. What was I talking about?”

Once I sat front row center at a show in college because as I entered the theater a “friend” said “HEY! DOWN HERE!!” To which I replied “Oh fuck you goddamn it you just ruined my night,” in my head, and walked over smiling, happy to see them. At one point in the show an actor made a joke and landed the punchline with eye contact right on me… i wasn’t paying attention and he saw my brain dead face just staring right back at him as everyone else laughed. Sure, everyone else laughed, but mine is the disinterested face he may still remember to this day.

Anyway, had a great time at the show. Like wowzers. EXCEPT…..the first half of the show I had to eliminate/urinate/pee so bad that I was starting to get dizzy. I was fidgeting like no other, thinking of Jim Carrey in Liar Liar when he said he had to pee to get dismissed from court, trying to think of the story structure to guestimate when intermission was coming.. It was a SMALL theater, I was front row center. I just couldn’t get up to go pee in the bathroom in which everyone would hear me (moaning, not peeing). So I waited in pain. The pain worsened with every laugh. I reached down an unbuckled my belt because for some reason I thought that would help. It did in that it took my mind off of peeing for just a moment. Also a fellow castmate gave me a little dixie cup of Grand Marnier to enjoy and the sweet sting of sipping on that also slightly distracted me. I also thought of Major Payne and is way of distracting people in pain and considered breaking my finger. The instant the lights started to fade I almost jumped out of my seat. Sat back down until it was pitch black. When the lights came up I was gone; first in the bathroom; moaning like a hysterical child who lost his Stretch Armstrong doll (I dunno.. I hate metaphors/analagies..I dunno, i should delete this sentence but I won’t. Go ahead, judge. I’ll read this later and cringe but until then I don’t care).

I peed.

Life was good again.

Now I’m home. Got a ride with a friend to avoid a DUI. Roomie is going to a fancy party that I could attend if I owned fancier clothes. I’ve realized that, despite randomly singing it in a baritone register… I’m so NOT, fancy…. I’m not fancy at all… I also now realize I need a blazer…

Such a good weekend. Best damn weekend ever. May it continue, if only.

I hate being sincere. It’s just so boring…. just me?

That’s why I can’t listen to song lyrics. Usher, how can you be SO passionate about SO many drama-related things?!? SERIOUSLY!?? Learn to get along with people.

I don’t know Usher’s music very well, for the record.

My cousin’s’ last name is Usher, so, that. AND one of them is a musician! Who I’ve throughoughly listened to. I’ll attribute that previous statement to Fiya-A as heard on reverbnation.com.

I shouldn’t post this. I should proof read it first. I’ll wait until morning to regret it.

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From March 31 ‘14, got 74 likes on facebook omg:

My parents are getting some work done on their house. One of the company’s employees was left alone, finishing up. When he was done, the rain began, he planned to take the bus home. I drove him home instead. He said he’s from Guatemala and hasn’t been home in 9 years. So on the way to his place I gave him my phone so he could scroll through photos I took of a trip to Guatemala last year. He laughed at some of them… Then he started crying hysterically and awkwardly hugged me and wouldn’t let go… Just kidding, but he did laugh and was happy to see them. As the kid of the owners of the house he’s working on, and having just leisurely traveled to his homeland for fun, as he’s doing manual labor in the rain bussing it home… I felt SO better than him. JUST KIDDING! Sheesh.. He actually seemed like a much happier person than me. I was jealous. I ripped my phone away from him and said NO MORE FOR YOU! Just kidding.. He handed it back graciously and said something I couldn’t understand. I laughed as if I did understand, he thanked me for the ride and left. Fortunately I stopped the car before he got out. But then I stepped on the gas when he was halfway out and said “AMERICA” as maniacally as possible—just kidding. Very nice guy. Forgot to ask his name. It was more of a spiritual connection. Now I return home to my now cold coffee and House of Cards s1ep7… “Are you not entertained?!” -Noah. “I’m okay you’re okay.”-some ’90s band. Are you still reading this? I love you.

From May 29 ‘14, got 19 likes on facebook omg:

Our facial expressions are so.. what’s the words.. in sync! Okaaay maybe his is a little more … in sync … than mine. (That’s Joey Fatone (from Dancing With The Stars (also from 90’s boy band N’Sync (the one with Justin Timberlake). He’s pretty famous n stuff, much more than me, except right now!! Because more of you know me than him. He actually asked ME to take this picture.‪ #‎lies‬)

Added on Tumblr post date (right now):

I was never a big N’Sync fan because I thought that it wasn’t cool to like a group of attractive teenage boys who sang and danced in unison. And it wasn’t. But now that I’m 30 and have listened to Maroon 5’s “Moves Like Jagger”, my crossover song that allowed me to appreciate pop music instead of just 90’s and earlier rock, I can accept, instead of reject, a poppy boy band song when it comes on the XM Radio station I’m listening to. Still not buying their album, but “Bye, Bye, Bye” was a great song, with an easy dance…

When I met Joey I thought shortly afterwards about what a perfect last name he has for a musician. “Fa” as in “do-re-me-FA…” COMBINED WITH “tone” which, duh, refers to sound. I told that to someone and they separated the words differently… “Fat” and “one” which is perfectly awful because he had puffier cheeks than any of the other four guys. By America’s awful standards out of the 5 guys, HE was the “fat one” and his last name is “Fatone” … What are the fuckin odds. He must still shake his head about that. However I still prefer my original observation of it being a combination of “Fa” and “tone”.. STILL.. what are the odds? Just a perfect name. Lovely guy too, I didn’t even have a scene with him and he still took the picture with me.. I wonder if it aired.. I should update my resume… The show was called “Parent’s Just Don’t Understand” or something Fresh Princey like that…

From Oct. 3 ‘14, it got 140 likes on facebook omg:

First day as a sub today. Taking the CBEST 6 years ago finally paid off! Even though, it wasn’t required with this company… I made them call me Mr. Larson, hahhah.. But it was a fancy private school where they call their teachers by their first name, so then I felt like a pompous ass. One kid asked to go to the bathroom and I said “I’ll allow it.” Nobody laughed. Except me. Ahhh.. Can’t wait for more captive audiences. But man! Donut, breakfast burrito, coffee included! I felt like I was on set with craft services, but instead if hangin ‘round all the directors and producers, I was with their kids instead…I consider this a step in the right direction. Are you STILL reading this??? You’re such a good person. Lemme know who you are and I’ll put you in my will.

A miniaturized version of me is currently in a display case outside of Uniqlo at the Beverly Center in Los Angeles. You can go see it if you’re in town! Pretty cool I think. I was walking by the store in San Francisco a couple months ago (as I get all my pants there, so totally great they be) and I saw some kind of photoshoot going on. I’m much more confident than I used to be so I casually approached the woman working the booth and I was like “Hey….what’s goin on?” She giggled and started undressing for me in public, which would have been weird had she actually done that, but she DID tell me to come back the next day at noon and she’ll squeeze me in (to the photo line, not her body) despite their having already fully booked these photoshoots. I felt so charismatic. The next day I went back, they fitted me up in some of their fancy clothes, I walked into a big stall with about 50 Canon 5D (or something expensive like that) cameras all around me, I posed and they all flashed at once. *FLASH* (that was my impression of all the cameras flashing (imagine jazz hands as I say it in a loud whisper…*FLASHHH* see?) (and in case you’re wondering, yes it was awesome)). Afterward I looked at the photo and exclaimed, “I hate it!!! Can we do it again???” And we did…………. *FLASHH* I still hated it but didn’t wanna be “that guy” and reveal my flaws in front of strangers. They said they’ll 3D print my image and put it on display in the store, and they did! It was supposed to be in SF, but it’s in LA…if you didn’t get that from the first sentence of this post—you may have forgotten, as that first sentence was oh so long ago. In the photo you’ll notice a name tag with my full name and job title on it. Had I known that it would be in LA instead of SF I would have put my job title as “greatest actor ever that you should always cast always” but oh well. I get to keep the figurine after the holidays; I’ll give it to the parents so it’s like I’m living there again. They can talk to it and tell it all their stories, and it won’t be distracted on an iPhone as they do! More photos below if you give a care. (I hate that phrase “I don’t give a care.” It just sounds soo….Christian….” Photos below if you give a goddamn: 

So jealous of the figurine as it never has bad hair days:

Closeup. I mean.. it’s pretty legit:

I put this on Instagram and used the caption: “I’ve got my back.” It got 27 LIKES!!! That’s sadly a lot for me:

Endblog. Like endgame, but for blogs.