“Love”

HA!

What a concept. Is it out there? Some people sure seem to find it, but I’m willing to bet that most people don’t.

What does it feel like? From what I’ve heard it’s a combination of pure happiness and wanting for someone, mixed with this painful surge of loss and worry when they’re not around. Every characteristic I’ve heard about love seems to be also classified as an obsession. Obsession has a much more negative connotation, but how are they really different?

OBSESSION: An idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind.

LOVE: A great interest and pleasure in something/someone.

The exciting parts of love diminishes over time, so the obsession aspect is only in the earliest of stages. So in order to know you’re in love you have to feel obsessed with the person? Some people feel that simultaneously toward one another. For others it’s an unfortunate one way street where one person’s fantasy about the other is nonexistent in their partners eyes, thus we get awkward moments, broken hearts, stalkers …

Can one find love if one is closed off from the idea?

I think I’ve been in love a few times over the years. Though in retrospect I think I just wanted to say it while having sex, because god how romantic… I haven’t wanted a girlfriend, ever, really. Why? Responsibility perhaps. As I struggle to get my own life in order, why would I want to drag someone else into this mayhem of time? Thinking further, I really haven’t found anyone that I’ve felt the appropriate connection with. I’ve tried many times, there have been quite a few attempts. At least the act of love has been experienced, but the true visceral feelings? I sure don’t think so..

I mean I’ve said it to a select few girls over the years. At the time I did mean it, but in retrospect, while I did “love” them, that “in-love” feeling wasn’t there. I think I felt it in the first few weeks of a certain relationship with a certain person. Things ended up moving way too quickly however. How quickly? Facebook official within two weeks of meeting each other. Facebook official. WITH NO MUTUAL FRIENDS. What strangers we were.

Okay one mutual friend.

Anyway, what I thought I felt was love, and perhaps it was at the time. It was more of an excitement, an infatuation, pure glee, really. Immediately I had fantasies of our future together and I truly felt an energetic connection. However, as time went on.. we realized we don’t really know each other at all. Soon it became clear that we are very much not meant to be together. The whole thing lasted 3 months. Barely.

Now if that feeling happens again, should I trust it? Sure led me astray on that one. Sometimes things just work out. We were both grateful to have at least had that magical (yes, magical) experience when we first began. But goddamn it changed quickly.

So what is this love thing?!? To find someone so special that you accept all their faults (ALL their faults, really???) I don’t know how ya’ll do it.

I mean I’m picky and all, but to find someone to spend forever with, I don’t think I’ve even come close. Plenty of good times and good relationships, but that “the one” feeling? I’m starting to fear I’ll never find it. But I wonder how it’s so easy for some and so hard for others. I’ve had friends who find themselves in love from one girl to the next. Am I just that unlucky? There must be something more…..

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